Downloading...and downstream

Suddenly I got this cool download website-Multiply. Thanks to Syu ;)

Downloaded and listening to Aqua-Turn Back Time…memories recalls..happy..and bitter.
‘If only I could turn back time…If only I could…’
Everybody would have at least once that they can turn back the time, to correct problem change history, erase bad memory and to name a few.
What I wanted most is…to spend time with my mom
Out of nowhere I feel the emptiness inside me…it’s not that I miss her before..I have always miss her every single seconds of my life…but I keep my head centered back again…

Tonight..I feel different. I somehow realize something that I knew and makes me feel very very very extremely sad. I realize that I can never ever again in my life see my mom L and never be able to talk to her, feel the tenderness of her touch, eat her cooking, laughing at her jokes, being angry of her rules, seeing her lying watching soaps on TV(this is the favorite pose I like her the most), watching her after her prayer..after she bathes…her smell of powder, her daily face routine of Shiseido, putting on her jewelry, changing and picking up clothes before we go anywhere especially kenduri, hearing the sound of her Quran recital, sound of her coughing…sneeze…I can’t hear any of that..and even worse it’s more than I have listed here.

How I wish everything is different. How I wish I can change everything. How I wish my wish came true.

A promise that I have made to myself when my mom in ICU…if God save her I will stay at my hometown. Not working and taking of her 24/7. I don’t mind about not getting a fancy job…nor getting a soul mate whatsoever. I just want to spend my lifetime taking care and loving her without exceptions.

And somehow…deep down I can feel she knows and and wish that those things will never happen to me…she always wanted me to be a successful woman. With happy life and family and job. I can feel she made the sacrifice of letting me be who am I right now.

I would rather…taking care of her for the rest of my life…because I love her so much. Three years has passed and still, I can’t fight the feeling of emptiness.

I just can’t…